I cannot even begin to describe the utter hatred I feel for my brother. When I do my homework, I like quiet, peace of mind, no little annoying looks over my shoulder or the sound of him clicking his way through the pictures on the camera, in my room. Goodness, just because he's got nothing on his shoulders weighing him down doesn't mean I don't. If only he could understand something in his godamn life. Honestly, I fear what will become of him in the future. His attitude and behavior are that of a first grader: immature, irresponsible, indifferent to school.
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I ever feel is lost. POR QUE?! It's always like this. This stupid, darn perpetual sense of just being in a void is incredibly vexing.
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I love making lists. I don't know why. My affinity for it is ginormous. Almost to the point of insanity.

This weekend...

1. Play Wii 1-2 hrs
2. Finish WHAP Ch.14 notes and notecards
3. Finish Spanish and English by Saturday
   
4. Finish reading Rash

More to come... WOW this is a first. How surprising. I actually completed everything on my To-Do list! CELEBRATION TIME!...in the form of studying for my Chemistry quiz tomorrow.
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has been going on for some time now, but I've finally mustered enough courage to say it: I fucking wish i could fucking chop my dad's hand off when he knocks on the headboard above his bed.
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out. I can't help but feel nostalgic. Why am I like this? I honestly, honestly, honestly want out. This life doesn't feel right anymore. Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing makes sense, nothing fits, nothing works, nothing happens. It's mundane, this life. Tiresome. Tedious. Wearisome. Boring. That's the perfect word for this: boring. This life...no, this can't be called a life. This existence is arid, bland, colorless, lifeless. It lacks the vitality it used to contain. It has lost the excitement. There's not much to look forward to, not much to wait for, not much to hope for. It's a line. An endless line. Reaching, for all eternity, to nothing. Stretching and stretching to a nothing. There is nothing on this line, nothing worth living for. Ugh. Why am I feeling all this? It's depressing. This life is depressing. Always being put last, always at the bottom of the list, at the bottom of the food chain. It's like...there's no demand. Not one ounce. Sad, sad, sad. Something needs to pull me out of this rut. No, I need to push myself up and out. Because no one knows how I feel, no one knows about all this except for me. I'm the only one who can get myself through. I want out. I want to be freed of all these chains I've created these past 15 years. Restart, you know? But that's just not possible. Restart, restart, restart. I want out. There's no better way to put it. Tired of all this. This stupid existence. It's all come to nothing. It's never been anything. Just there and nothing more. Out, far away, away from all these people that I know, that I've grown attached to, that I've grown to almost love, and all the situations, events, memories that are burned into my very flesh, into my very mind. No. Restart.
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All my motivation is gone. Whether it diminished or straight-out disappeared, it is now gone. I don't know where it went. I don't know if it's ever coming back.

This is sad. I'm tired. Oh, so tired. Stupid sleep deprivation. I hope this weekend can be a relaxing one. That's what I need: a relaxing day. One where I feel no panic, no frenzy, no rush to get things done because I will have nothing on my plate. If only, if only... Alas, this is not so. At least not now. So I best get my butt in gear and start my engines. Because today is going to be one hell of a day.
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I have the shortest attention span you will ever have the misfortune of coming across. *sigh*

I am so lost. Should I read Chapters 12 and 13? Should I not? WHAT SHOULD I DO GODAMNIT?! Fudgesicles. And no one is helping me decide either. I need to come to a conclusion fast!
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has the potential to be the busiest week of my high school career so far. I would make an enumeration of the activities and such that are going on in my life this week, but that would eat up the already limited time I have, so possibly later? Anyway, I'm feeling that rushed sensation normally associated with homework/school. Honestly, are they TRYING to kill us? Are they going for a full-on slaughter? Bloody murder? Massacre?!
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I'm exhausted.

Today, after school, Judy and I hung with Kevin till 3 and the Japanime meeting, which in the end, I didn't attend because I was deprived of water. We stayed by the tennis courts for the first half hour and played a little tennis. Then we went to the vending machines in Cougar Hall to get some chips and the bag got stuck halfway on the way down so we spent a whole 15 or so minutes trying to find someone with a quarter so we could purchase another bag that would help push the one that was stuck out. Then, we went to the B building and had to wait for another good 20 minutes before I decided to leave because no one had water. I need to bring more water to school. Especially in this weather.

So tired...
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WHAP test tomorrow. Three chapters. 9,10, and 11. Am I ready? As if. Which is probably a good indication that I should start studying huh? But I've no inclination to crack open my book and trudge through three mundane world history chapters about the Byzantine Empire, Western Europe during the Middle Ages, and postclassical America with the Aztecs, the Incas, and the many, many other diverse societies residing in the Western Hemisphere at the time. *sigh* But there's nothing much i can do about that huh? I have to study, prepare myself, arm myself with knowledge to fend off the evil powers of the hell known as WHAP.

Melody scribbled her birthday all over my hand so I wouldn't forget. Though it's like 8 months from now in July. And Sarah wrote all over my planner. As well as Melody. -_-'

The A Capella auditions on Tuesday were pretty interesting. I didn't understand half the terms Melody used, but it doesn't really matter...yet. It may come back and bite me in the rear later, but for now, it's all good. Since I'm secretary, I spent most of my time jotting down the events of the auditions minute by minute. This is going to be exciting.

Red Cross meeting today. There were too many people there. Last year, we had a LOT less. Which i was grateful for. But this year, it's like overload. I know it's good for the club, but frankly, I can't help but feel a bit contemptuous. I don't like clubs with tons of people. That's why I quit CSF and Interact and refused to join Key, no matter how prestigious those clubs are. I know it's selfish for me to want less people, but I can't help it. I can't control all my emotions.

I'm still on the fence about joining HOPE. It's definitely a club with good intentions, but once again, there are too many people that I KNOW. In a way, that makes me reluctant to join, because I want to meet new people, not hang with the ones that I know but don't care for.

I honestly need to get out more. I'm thinking of watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist this weekend. Hopefully I'll have time. I have the PSAT on Saturday morning, an optometry appointment in the afternoon (which I am infinitely afraid for: my eyesight is terrible), and a party for my mom's and cousin's birthdays later that night. It'll all depend on how much homework I have this weekend. Can't get a breather huh? Not this year, not next year, not senior year, probably never again for the rest of my life.
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I'm through. I am not going to put up with this crap anymore, nor am I going to put myself in any of this crap. I don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, I do have a hunch and more than a few solid ideas, but honestly I don't know. Why am I like this? It's infuriating to see myself like this. I'm the exact opposite of what I want to be. Is it because I don't try hard enough? This may be. I think it is. Well, no more. I'm done with this. I am not going to stand for this, not going to live with this, not going to live like this. This has to end someday. I'm going to make it soon. I have to make a move, get things moving, get things started, because up to now, I've never been stepping forward. I've only ever been staying in the same place, time after time, over and over, and even moving backwards. This is unacceptable. I will no longer tolerate this. I have to change. There will be no more "but"s.
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There are some ideas that have been circulating around my head as of late.

For one, I want to start a music rotation. I'd like to share my music and let others experience what I feel when I listen to my favorite songs. But in order for that project to initiate, I need the most essential part: music! I do have MP3's of many songs, but...there are certain issues with those MP3s. I plan on buying my CDs now and uploading my music onto this site or another, not for profit but for just plain sharing. Of course there will be rules as it would be complete anarchy if there weren't. By the way, the I-want-to-buy-CDs was another one of my ideas. Time to do things the legal way *cough*

Secondly (or thirdly), I'm thinking of uploading my art onto this site. I used to be a fanatical artist(of mainly anime), but over the past two, three years, I've stopped drawing completely. I really need to get myself back in that game.

Third of all, I was considering reviews of books, movies, albums, etc. Of course, this would mean I have to have some shape or form of opinion about something, which would force me to stop being so cowardly and vain and speak up for my beliefs and the like.

Fourthly (I can't believe this is an actual word!), there's this very neat team/group blog site called Thick as Thieves where a prompt is posted every Monday I believe and the members of the blog write their response on the topic. It seems very creative and exciting.

Fifthly (I'm in deeper shock), I was thinking of a magazine or newspaper in which I, or fellow humans and I, work together to concoct a source of information for others out there.

And lastly(too many "-ly"s), I want to take photos/pictures and put them here. I've always liked photography, just never been good at it. And my skills have never been developed due to lack of a camera.

This seems like overload, but honestly, I doubt I'll do everything. After all, I don't always reach all my aspirations, but I can try. Whether things fall flat or things fly high, it doesn't hurt to try...this time.
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decided to stay here.

So my days have been pretty eventful and spontaneous, but by now, I have completely forgotten everything that's happened. I'm just going to try and wring some of it back up from the deep depths of darkness.

Friday:
I went to the Japanime club meeting after school because my friend wanted me to go (and I was also curious), so since I have no seventh period (due to my newly acquired first), my mom picked me up, drove me home, and drove me back at 3PM to drop me off as well as pick up my brother. The meeting itself was pretty...unorganized (and the teacher supervisor didn't look like he voluntarily signed up for his position). In the end I left early and walked home with Brandon.

Saturday:
I had Chinese school as usual, and after that, I demanded to go to the library so I could shave off some homework. I stayed there while my mother and brother went off to Costco and I was more efficeint there than I would have been if I were home. I think I'm going to start going to the library more often now.

I really wanted to go out today, but that seems impossbile now what with my WHAP homework and English essay.

The Coldplay tickets for the Anaheim show went on sale yesterday. Of course, since I had Chinese school and went to the library, by the time I got home, all the good tickets were gone. But honestly, I was never desperate to go, like I wasn't dying to see them again. I would love to, but Anaheim is 6 hours away and purposely driving there would be a waste of money(gas) and it would be a hassle for my parents (I get out of school really early that day thanks to our Thanksgiving break, but we would have to leave immediately after school). This makes me sort of glad that although I'm a huge fan of Coldplay, I'm not an insane one.
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layouts aren't keeping me attached and going. I really really miss LJ right now, but it'll be such a hassle to go back. I'm always reluctant to write in this blog... this seems like a strong indication of something...UGH
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Seriously, I can't help but miss my old LJ. I don't know, i've been blogging there for a whole year and just suddenly ditching not only feels wrong, but it's just plain heart wrenching. I feel as if there's a hole in me that can only be filled by my LJ. But i don't want to go back; I said so much, felt so strongly that i can't just take it all back like that. What am i going to do?!
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Music: Coldplay - Talk

This math homework is irritatingly tedious.

I was trying to set up a web page earlier to expand my blog and let it reach greater heights never before touched by humankind. Anyway, it's amazing what you can do with HTML.

I just wanted to blog, even though I have nothing to talk about. Actually, I do. I have tons but not enough time for all of it, so it'll have to wait.

I feel as if my relationship with my little cousin, Derrik, is deteriorating. I rarely play with him anymore. The only perk about this is that I get to blame school for stopping me from developing good, healthy relationships.
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Music: Rilo Kiley - Better Son-Daugther
Mood: irritated, frustrated
Currently: trying to put off WHAP

That English outline took longer then i expected it to. Much longer. And it was much more difficult than I'd have liked. I'm still not satisfied with the way mine turned out. My god, that was a disastrous few hours. I finished my homework due tomorrow but I still have other things I planned on completing tonight to do...
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Music: Coldplay - 42
Mood: Sleepy
Currently: doing Chemistry homework and wishing for more time

It turns out that I'm much more of an idiot than I had initially and secondly thought. I've always been terrible at reading people. I'm such a prat. I should go fling myself off a building huh?

I actually did get some sleep last night, though definitely not an adequate amount. If you consider 4 hours of sleep enough, you're insane. Anyway, I got bored and didn't want to finish my SSR book (which is The Distant Land of My Father by the way). I'm going to finish it today, no matter what.

Turns out first and fourth period weren't as brutal as I feared. Fourth period was actually fun. We did this weird formation thing for Ultimate Frisbee, and since I was new to that class, my team members had to teach me. It required a lot of moving around, running, throwing, and coordination (in a way), overall, it was funny and exciting.

There is so much i want to say about today, last week, and future prospects, but as it is, school has rendered me unable to do anything other than homework. What a sad truth. I find myself looking forward to our next break or even just a day off.

Anyway, I should get going with my homework. Don't want to sleep too late tonight after my sleep deprivation last night. I don't have a first period tomorrow because it's a faculty meeting schedule, so I only have 5 classes tomorrow and we get out at like 2-something. Although we only get faculty meeting schedules the first Tuesday of every month, so there's only one day per month where there's no first and I only get to sleep in once a month on school days. That doesn't seem like a fair trade-off: sleep for no first period once a month, but hey, I chose this so I shouldn't complain...too much. First periods are starting to seem more like a curse than a blessing.
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It's a given that on Sunday nights(especially if there's school the next day), everyone and I mean, everyone, will be working on homework or studying. My AIM buddy list proves my point. I look at the all the away messages and they read "homework" in some way or form. I can talk to anyone and they will be studying. Things are always worse when there's WHAP homework due or a WHAP quiz. There's insurmountable panic, stress, and and the oh-so-wonderful pestering. That's right: pestering. It happens to me frequently and I hate it. I don't mind occasionally helping a friend/acquaintance out, but when it gets to be continuous, I've had enough. That's why I tend to be invisible on nights like these. Anyway, I myself have homework to complete. I've already finished everything that's due tomorrow, but I want to get ahead with WHAP so I'm working on the timeline and hopefully the map later on.

I feel no inclination to sleep tonight. Maybe because I'm dreading tomorrow, not because of the WHAP quiz, but because of first and fourth period, my new classes. I worked so hard to get them changed, and after one-two days, I already hate it. It's insane how I wanted it so much, but it ended up being so bad...I took things for granted. I took my real friends for granted. I'm a terrible person. I suppose we really don't know how good we have it till we lose it.
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I don't understand why people spend so much time and energy on this topic, speculating and speculating, trying to comprehend why there is life. The end result is always opinion, and with opinions, there will always be disagreements. No one will ever agree on what the meaning of life is, because we all have our own ideas about what makes life life. Another thing to think about is the fact that these very different people have all lived different lives. They've faced different problems, experienced different experiences, grew up in different environments among other things, not to mention the fact that they themselves were born with different genes and therefore different ways of thinking. In a way, all this meditating is pointless, because we will never reach an agreeable, plausible conclusion. What one may see, others may not.
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working on Chinese homework and not getting anywhere. At least, not much of anywhere. I plan on taking the Chinese SAT II this year, but it'll cost $63, because of the extra $23 late fee. -_- Plus, I don't think I'll do well, but then, there's always the option of retaking it next year. Thought next year is junior year, the toughest year of high school. I'm also planning on taking AP Chinese next year and boy, will that be tough for me. I really need to kick it up a notch if I at least want a 4 on the AP Chinese exam. It's interesting, I feel as if I'm finally jump starting my real high school career, like I'm finally starting my engines and driving towards my future.
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I'll start various projects because this blog signifies a fresh start for me. A new, completely different start, one where I am no longer constantly dependent on people. One of the things that led me to this new blog include my naivety in believing that people actually wanted me around, that people actually wanted to hang out with me and be my friend. I've lived most of my life as a loner with a solid notion that no one wanted me around and that I didn't need anyone around, but just recently, I thought that I had broken free from that depressing belief, but even more recently, I discovered that it was all a lie, all a facade, that people didn't really want me around. Another thing was my neediness, my perpetual reliance on others for guidance. I always needed someone to hold my hand, led me through, talk to me and help me. I was the exact opposite of what I always aspired to be, what I wanted to strive to be. And there was also my stupidity for taking things for granted, not realizing that what I had was good, even great. I thought I was running away from them, but instead, in actuality, I was running to people, people who didn't honestly want me near them. it amazes me to no end how people can act so fake, how people can put on such a flawless and impenetrable mask. I digress. I left the people who truly cared and raced to those who didn't give a damn. How I could have been so blind, I don't know. i guess we really don't know how good we have it till we lose it. It was stupid of me, completely idiotic. What I did epitomizes stupidity. It gives a whole new meaning to the word, a meaning on a totally different, higher, stupider level. I really regret going through with this, trying so so so hard to get this. I really wouldn't want to take it all back, because this little experience has taught me a ton, but now that the lesson has been learned, i do want everything to return to it's original state. There's still a possibility; how big or small, I've no idea, but I hope it's big, large, ginormous. Anyway, for now, I've just got to learn to live with it, just got to go with the flow and see where this all leads me. Time, maybe that's all I need - to give it all time, but seriously, i doubt it. I hate myself for this. I allowed myself to be pressured, allowed myself to give in and make a bad choice and this is where I am, this is where i may very well be for the rest of the year. There has never been a time in my life that I've wanted to kill myself as bad as this. But I know I won't. I'll get through, or at the very least, I'll try to. What else can i do? Cry, complain, throw a tantrum? No, that's too immature, too ineffective, because things like that only work if you're a child, and even then things don't always work out for the best (in your eyes), but in the end, what can you do about it? That's life. Unfairness is a large part of it, and the only thing we can do is live with it or die. But while dying provides an escape, it in itself is also a problem. It's a dead end, but with life you can find a way past. But why am i saying all this? Ive strayed too far from the initial reason for this post.

Back on topic now...
A list of the things I plan on starting:

1. Read a book each week.
2. Watch a movie every 2 weeks.
3. Learn 5 Chinese vocabulary words each week.
4. Learn 3 new English vocabulary terms each week.
5. Go out to the mall, park, library, etc. at least once every two weeks.

That's all for now. A bit trivial don't you think? Either way, it's a start, albeit a tiny one, but gradually, it'll grow in size as well importance/significance.

Bye. I've got to go do my Chinese homework.
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I went from LJ to here for a few reasons. One being I wanted a place where no one, I repeat, NO ONE, I know in real life can read my entries. I mean it's nice getting feedback and all, but I'm sick of it. And a certain someone. Anyway, I've already vented on my LJ, which I left (at least for the time being), so I'm not going to do that here. I'm not going to drag my first entry and my new blog down with dark, morbid weights. i wanted to say everything here with names and all the little details, but I figure, no I don't want to start any drama in case anyone finds out about this blog. So I'm not going to do it, no matter how much I'd like to. I don't want crap in my life.

Just take not of one thing, I'm pathetic, and needy, and insanely naive.

Anyway, this will take some getting used to.

The grammar is meant to be incorrect.
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October 2008

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