+ iThink // Friday, October 3, 2008
I'll start various projects because this blog signifies a fresh start for me. A new, completely different start, one where I am no longer constantly dependent on people. One of the things that led me to this new blog include my naivety in believing that people actually wanted me around, that people actually wanted to hang out with me and be my friend. I've lived most of my life as a loner with a solid notion that no one wanted me around and that I didn't need anyone around, but just recently, I thought that I had broken free from that depressing belief, but even more recently, I discovered that it was all a lie, all a facade, that people didn't really want me around. Another thing was my neediness, my perpetual reliance on others for guidance. I always needed someone to hold my hand, led me through, talk to me and help me. I was the exact opposite of what I always aspired to be, what I wanted to strive to be. And there was also my stupidity for taking things for granted, not realizing that what I had was good, even great. I thought I was running away from them, but instead, in actuality, I was running to people, people who didn't honestly want me near them. it amazes me to no end how people can act so fake, how people can put on such a flawless and impenetrable mask. I digress. I left the people who truly cared and raced to those who didn't give a damn. How I could have been so blind, I don't know. i guess we really don't know how good we have it till we lose it. It was stupid of me, completely idiotic. What I did epitomizes stupidity. It gives a whole new meaning to the word, a meaning on a totally different, higher, stupider level. I really regret going through with this, trying so so so hard to get this. I really wouldn't want to take it all back, because this little experience has taught me a ton, but now that the lesson has been learned, i do want everything to return to it's original state. There's still a possibility; how big or small, I've no idea, but I hope it's big, large, ginormous. Anyway, for now, I've just got to learn to live with it, just got to go with the flow and see where this all leads me. Time, maybe that's all I need - to give it all time, but seriously, i doubt it. I hate myself for this. I allowed myself to be pressured, allowed myself to give in and make a bad choice and this is where I am, this is where i may very well be for the rest of the year. There has never been a time in my life that I've wanted to kill myself as bad as this. But I know I won't. I'll get through, or at the very least, I'll try to. What else can i do? Cry, complain, throw a tantrum? No, that's too immature, too ineffective, because things like that only work if you're a child, and even then things don't always work out for the best (in your eyes), but in the end, what can you do about it? That's life. Unfairness is a large part of it, and the only thing we can do is live with it or die. But while dying provides an escape, it in itself is also a problem. It's a dead end, but with life you can find a way past. But why am i saying all this? Ive strayed too far from the initial reason for this post.
Back on topic now...
A list of the things I plan on starting:
- Read a book each week.
- Watch a movie every 2 weeks.
- Learn 5 Chinese vocabulary words each week.
- Learn 3 new English vocabulary terms each week.
- Go out to the mall, park, library, etc. at least once every two weeks.
That's all for now. A bit trivial don't you think? Either way, it's a start, albeit a tiny one, but gradually, it'll grow in size as well importance/significance.
Bye. I've got to go do my Chinese homework.
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